Bipolar (The not so fun part of Bi-Squared)

I was diagnosed in April of this year as having bipolar disorder.  I have been treated for anxiety and depression for going on 20 years. It was only after I corrected EVERY problem that doctors tried to point to as the cause of my mood swings was I able to get a concrete diagnosis and be prescribed the correct medication for my disorder. And this happened only after I insisted that there was something else wrong.

Yes, I was physically and emotionally abused as a child and a good portion of this probably relates to that. It is what it is. I’ve sought therapy multiple times to deal with the after effects of the abuse. Each time, I was really just given some pills and told everything would be fine. One particular psychologist told me that she wished all of her patients had as much sense and self-awareness as the rest of her patients and stated that I did not need to continue therapy. 

Problems with interpersonal relationships persisted and I really started to realize that my thought processes and behaviors were very different from the average person. I was told my damn near every person I was in a relationship that I am too sensitive, overly emotional and insecure. And goodness knows I tried. Who wants to keep having horrible experiences with people they love?

Even now, I still get a bit sad at all of the people that I have hurt, the relationships I destroyed and the friends I’ve lost as a result of not knowing and not getting the necessary medical care that I needed.  There is no blame in that statement, for myself, doctors, friends, family and loved ones. It’s just how things happened. I didn’t know to push for more in depth psychological testing.

There is a definite stigma regarding mental illness especially in the Black community. “We” don’t have those kinds of problems. I can bet that damn near every Black person has some form of mental illness in their family…”we” just self-medicate with drugs, alcohol and sex in many cases.

Facts about Bipolar Disorder: 

• An estimated 2.3 million Americans have bipolar disorder, also called manic-depressive illness.
•  Bipolar disorder can be treated but not cured. 
•  Treatment can include: Medication, Counseling, Peer Support, Complementary Care (exercise, stress reduction classes), ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). 

I have only been diagnosed since May of this year. For some reason, I (erroneously) believed that once I had a diagnosis and knew what was wrong, getting treatment and having a normal life seemed attainable.

Mental health care in the United States is actually worse than the medical care system. Trying to get assistance to cope with mental illness is difficult when you have insurance and seeming damn near impossible when you don’t have any insurance. Community mental health centers are few and far between and as a result there are waitlists a mile long to get help.

On top of the issues with the mental health system, getting social security benefits can take up to two years. Since I have no insurance that could mean waiting up to two years before I can qualify for Medicaid. Two years without medication. The mere thought of what could happen in those two years scares me to death.

It is difficult for others to understand what mental illness can feel like. It is completely understandable because it is very hard to imagine if you have never experienced a day with what I call the noise in my head. Imagine your worst day…the day you would never ever want to relive. For me, that horrible feeling is magnified by say 25, 50 or 100 (depending on the day). Most people’s response is to “shake it off,” “think positive thoughts,” or “I thought you were on medication.” And in someone who has a brain that is wired normally, those are helpful. Imagine if your spinal cord was crushed in an accident (yes, I know—but I’m trying to make a point, or at least give some understanding) and there was no way to completely regain of your legs. Your body is no longer wired to be able to control your legs. Would you be receptive to someone telling you it’s all in your head, that you can shake it off, or make your legs work by thinking positive thoughts? Yet every time I sink into a depression that’s what I get from well-meaning friends.

Any mental illness can make dating difficult, can make relationships complicated, and try the patience of loved ones. Polyamorous relationships while dealing with the daily stresses is even more complicated simply because the number of people involved increases. The process of building poly relationships can also trigger negative responses relating to self-esteem, insecurity, abandonment issues. Add that to an existing or newly diagnosed mental illness. Recipe for disaster.

Having a long term poly relationship for me requires someone with what can sometimes seem like extreme amounts of patience, love and compassion. This one fact alone makes me extremely appreciative of those who have stuck by me, some for months, and some for decades. That being said, like most, I would like to have a live in partner, a companion, someone to share my life with. The knowledge that the Universe will bring me that partner sometimes makes it easier to be single in this poly life but there are moments when I’m just not so sure.

Poly Dating (or why the hell do I want to be poly, this shit is hard!)

Polyamory is a fairly new concept to most in the Black community. Poly people don’t walk around with signs on their back (things would be so much easier if they did). Finding a poly community in Atlanta was a struggle and finding a Black poly community seemed near impossible when I first started exploring.

Fast forward to now and while I have found a poly community and I am involved in helping to build that community, it’s still a really small segment of society and the POC poly community seems to be even smaller. After you have dated a couple people within the community, it starts to feel a bit incestuous. Your ex is dating the wife of your new love interest kinda stuff. And while it’s all love,  it does get to be a bit much.  And hey! What community doesn’t need some new booty…I mean new blood every once in a while. And me being the person that I am (always willing to help the community in any way possible *insert smile*), I join some online dating sites. There are some sites that are really popular with the poly community and there are a couple poly dating sites…but pickins are still slim. :-/

In the interest of being totally transparent about who I am and what I am seeking, I make it known on my profile that I am bisexual and poly. I think I’m doing right, being upfront, so that those who are not interested in poly relationship will pass on by right?  Too much like right…people can be assholes. Just assholes.

So the messages start rolling in, I’m all excited, thinking there are more poly people in Atlanta than I thought there was. No. Not at all. See, I forgot that people are assholes. Don’t ask me how or why…they just are.

So I’m looking through messages and I swear about 20 dudes sent me messages saying they couldn’t wait to be my man and have another girl. Welllllll, let’s start with the “my man” part. DUDE! You don’t even know me…like for real. Not one single thing do you know about me. Men constantly want to say women are crazy and women  are this and that but how about you get to know someone before even INTRODUCING the topic of something more than friends. Guess what would happen?!??!!! You could figure out if a woman is crazy before you commit to a relationship with her or even better, you can avoid having a crazy ex/baby mama!  #score

Then the assumption that poly is about triads and triads only. Yeah, I don’t do the one penis policy thing so I hate to bust your bubble boo, but not gonna happen.

There are also the guys who did not read ANYTHING in my profile. So I start making sure I ask if they read my profile and understand that I am poly cuz I am proactive like that. The bisexual part didn’t seem to be a problem—go figure. And some men had read, some hadn’t. One guy…I followed my little routine. And he seemed cool, conversation flowing, all that good stuff. And he says something about wanting to find a woman and settle down and can’t wait to find his monogamous heaven. Errrrrrrr, ummmmmmm….Sir, I thought you said you read and understood what was on my profile. He says he does…so I am puzzled trying to figure out where the disconnect came from.  So I ask “Umm Sir, do you know what polyamory means?” His response:  Well no. Screechhhhhhhhh….why would you say you read and understood something if you didn’t know what a word meant? 

Most polyamorous folks that I know feel that dating while poly is just hard. Can’t find other attractive poly folks, can’t find a connection with the poly folks they have met. The ones they connect with are too far or aren’t willing to agree to their rules.  Then there are those that find that the people they meet aren’t serious.  Usually that’s because someone agreed to something and then later changed their mind when they got in it. One thing I have learned—the hard way, is that someone can claim poly all day long and not be willing to do the work on themselves and the relationship in order to create something long term. If it gets hard or complicated, out the door before you can say self work.

Hard. The whole thing is just HARD.

I go back and forth with dating monogamous people, dating sites, dating in general and being poly far more often than I really care to admit. Some days its fuck it, I’m gonna get a dog and call it a day. And then I see friends in the most beautiful polyamorous relationships.  Loving, kind, compassionate, committed relationships. I remember my own triad and how beautiful it could be. And I keep reminding myself to stay open. 

Stay open to the possibility of love.

And the dating sites are good for a few laughs if nothing else  ;-)

Let's break it on down.

Single.

I was one of those young girls that dreamed about getting married, the whole knight in shining armor, romantic fairy tale love. I’ve been married and divorced twice. The number of committed relationships that I have had can be counted using both hands.

A great deal of my experiences have been affected by my childhood, self-esteem/self-worth (lack thereof),  and a host of other issues.

I can state without any reservations is that the quality of the majority of people that I have been involved with has been amazing. Almost all of them put up with wayyyy more than any one person should have to endure and more than most people would have put up with.

I’ve been the jealous, crazy, emotionally immature girlfriend. I have probably done every negative thing  in a relationship short of stalking and damaging a loves personal property.

I made excuses about all of my behaviors for years, decades really. Those excuses never made the next relationship fair better. I placed blame for my behaviors all the while ignoring what part I played in the demise of my relationships.

I am still friends with a few loves and exes while other relationships were so bad that there is no desire for contact on my part and/or the other persons.

 

Bisexual.

My first sexual experience was with a girl my own age. For a very long time, I did not label or claim to be bisexual. I thought of women as play partners and not potential partners. I tried to have a lesbian relationship in my 20s and that experienced turned me off even more when it came to relationship with a woman. In the past few years, I met and befriended women that I was not only intensely attracted to but could also envision myself in a relationship with. I have had another relationship with a woman who I love very dearly that went completely awry. However, I remain open to connecting with women emotionally.

Bipolar.

Ahhhh mental illness. Always fun to talk about it. There are many misconceptions about mental illness and bipolar disorder, especially among the Black community. WE don’t have those kind of problems, it’s a white people thing, etc. I have lived with depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. Some of it is related to childhood trauma but up until recently, I was able to manage. I’m now being treated for these disorders but they still have a significant effect on my life.

 

Black.

I have gotten the question for almost all my life…”what are you mixed with, what are you?” Jamaican parentage with some Cuban roots as well. I also grew up in a military environment where I had the opportunity to interact with different cultures & races, as well as live in multiple states and even another country. I firmly believe that my upbringing gave me a different perspective than someone who grow up in one place and has not traveled. I was tease mercilessly in school (oreo, wanna be white, think she is better, snob, stuck up) like so many others, and believe or not, there are still some adults that throw those judgments at me when they feel I am not “black enough.”

 

Poly.

Polyamory is generally defined by most as being “romantically involved with more than one person at the same time with the full consent and knowledge of all parties involved.” That’s my working definition anyway. I was a swinger for a very long period of time. And I don’t regret or criticize swinging at all. Believe it or not, it did boost my ego and self-esteem.  That time in my life also sparked some introspection and evaluation of who I am as a person. And of course, all that introspection has led me to right here and now J. I’ve had open marriages, open relationships, polyamorous relationships and monogamous relationships.  Each has had its own challenges and its own rewards. No regret there either.

Who, What, Where and Why?

Who am I?

What is this blog about?

I’m me.

The blog is about me journeying through this life.

So let’s examine the title huh?

Single.

Yep. So did I think I was going to be completely single at 39 years of age?  Not at all. But I am. And I don’t want to be single all my life…so I date.  Dating in 2014, it’s ummmm interesting? Soooo why not write about it. At least it will be good for a couple of laughs.

Bisexual.

Pretty self-explanatory yes? It is a label that I take on simply because its easiest for society to understand. Besides, pansexual or poly sexual really isn’t as cute as “BiSquared”  J

Bipolar.

AHAHAAAHAA! You weren’t expecting that one huh? I was diagnosed in the past year and I am moving through these fun challenges in the most entertaining way possible. (Please make sure you read everything I post with large quantities of sarcasm infused. It’s what I do)

Black.

Well that’s another one that’s pretty self-explanatory. To be specific my family is primarily Jamaican with a bit of Cuban in there as well. I am and I am not the typical stereotype of Black in America. And I embrace all of it.

Poly.

Ahhhh polyamory! The relationship style that is becoming more mainstream. The art of maintaining more than one romantic relationship at a time with the full consent and knowledge of all involved. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that polyamory is all about an abundance of sex, love and utopia…this is one of the HARDEST relationship styles to be successful at and I’ve tried them all (see the “Single” section)

So that’s just a small bit of who I am, what is going on in my life and what topics I will be spending time with on this blog. I hope you enjoy!