Polyamory is a fairly new concept to most in the Black community. Poly people don’t walk around with signs on their back (things would be so much easier if they did). Finding a poly community in Atlanta was a struggle and finding a Black poly community seemed near impossible when I first started exploring.
Fast forward to now and while I have found a poly community
and I am involved in helping to build that community, it’s still a really small
segment of society and the POC poly community seems to be even smaller. After
you have dated a couple people within the community, it starts to feel a bit
incestuous. Your ex is dating the wife of your new love interest kinda stuff.
And while it’s all love, it does get to
be a bit much. And hey! What community
doesn’t need some new booty…I mean new blood every once in a while. And me
being the person that I am (always willing to help the community in any way
possible *insert smile*), I join some online dating sites. There are some sites
that are really popular with the poly community and there are a couple poly
dating sites…but pickins are still slim. :-/
In the interest of being totally transparent about who I am and what I am seeking, I make it known on my profile that I am bisexual and poly. I think I’m doing right, being upfront, so that those who are not interested in poly relationship will pass on by right? Too much like right…people can be assholes. Just assholes.
So the messages start rolling in, I’m all excited, thinking
there are more poly people in Atlanta than I thought there was. No. Not at all.
See, I forgot that people are assholes. Don’t ask me how or why…they just are.
So I’m looking through messages and I swear about 20 dudes
sent me messages saying they couldn’t wait to be my man and have another girl.
Welllllll, let’s start with the “my man” part. DUDE! You don’t even know
me…like for real. Not one single thing do you know about me. Men constantly want
to say women are crazy and women are
this and that but how about you get to know someone before even INTRODUCING the
topic of something more than friends. Guess what would happen?!??!!! You could
figure out if a woman is crazy before you commit to a relationship with her or
even better, you can avoid having a crazy ex/baby mama! #score
Then the assumption that poly is about triads and triads
only. Yeah, I don’t do the one penis policy thing so I hate to bust your bubble
boo, but not gonna happen.
There are also the guys who did not read ANYTHING in my
profile. So I start making sure I ask if they read my profile and understand
that I am poly cuz I am proactive like that. The bisexual part didn’t seem to
be a problem—go figure. And some men had read, some hadn’t. One guy…I followed
my little routine. And he seemed cool, conversation flowing, all that good
stuff. And he says something about wanting to find a woman and settle down and
can’t wait to find his monogamous heaven. Errrrrrrr, ummmmmmm….Sir, I thought
you said you read and understood what was on my profile. He says he does…so I
am puzzled trying to figure out where the disconnect came from. So I ask “Umm Sir, do you know what polyamory
means?” His response: Well no.
Screechhhhhhhhh….why would you say you read and understood something if you
didn’t know what a word meant?
Most polyamorous folks that I know feel that dating while
poly is just hard. Can’t find other attractive poly folks, can’t find a
connection with the poly folks they have met. The ones they connect with are
too far or aren’t willing to agree to their rules. Then there are those that find that the
people they meet aren’t serious. Usually
that’s because someone agreed to something and then later changed their mind
when they got in it. One thing I have learned—the hard way, is that someone can
claim poly all day long and not be willing to do the work on themselves and the
relationship in order to create something long term. If it gets hard or
complicated, out the door before you can say self work.
Hard. The whole thing is just HARD.
I go back and forth with dating monogamous people, dating
sites, dating in general and being poly far more often than I really care to
admit. Some days its fuck it, I’m gonna get a dog and call it a day. And then I
see friends in the most beautiful polyamorous relationships. Loving, kind, compassionate, committed relationships.
I remember my own triad and how beautiful it could be. And I keep reminding
myself to stay open.
Stay open to the possibility of love.
And the dating sites are good for a few laughs if nothing
else ;-)
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