Bipolar (The not so fun part of Bi-Squared)

I was diagnosed in April of this year as having bipolar disorder.  I have been treated for anxiety and depression for going on 20 years. It was only after I corrected EVERY problem that doctors tried to point to as the cause of my mood swings was I able to get a concrete diagnosis and be prescribed the correct medication for my disorder. And this happened only after I insisted that there was something else wrong.

Yes, I was physically and emotionally abused as a child and a good portion of this probably relates to that. It is what it is. I’ve sought therapy multiple times to deal with the after effects of the abuse. Each time, I was really just given some pills and told everything would be fine. One particular psychologist told me that she wished all of her patients had as much sense and self-awareness as the rest of her patients and stated that I did not need to continue therapy. 

Problems with interpersonal relationships persisted and I really started to realize that my thought processes and behaviors were very different from the average person. I was told my damn near every person I was in a relationship that I am too sensitive, overly emotional and insecure. And goodness knows I tried. Who wants to keep having horrible experiences with people they love?

Even now, I still get a bit sad at all of the people that I have hurt, the relationships I destroyed and the friends I’ve lost as a result of not knowing and not getting the necessary medical care that I needed.  There is no blame in that statement, for myself, doctors, friends, family and loved ones. It’s just how things happened. I didn’t know to push for more in depth psychological testing.

There is a definite stigma regarding mental illness especially in the Black community. “We” don’t have those kinds of problems. I can bet that damn near every Black person has some form of mental illness in their family…”we” just self-medicate with drugs, alcohol and sex in many cases.

Facts about Bipolar Disorder: 

• An estimated 2.3 million Americans have bipolar disorder, also called manic-depressive illness.
•  Bipolar disorder can be treated but not cured. 
•  Treatment can include: Medication, Counseling, Peer Support, Complementary Care (exercise, stress reduction classes), ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). 

I have only been diagnosed since May of this year. For some reason, I (erroneously) believed that once I had a diagnosis and knew what was wrong, getting treatment and having a normal life seemed attainable.

Mental health care in the United States is actually worse than the medical care system. Trying to get assistance to cope with mental illness is difficult when you have insurance and seeming damn near impossible when you don’t have any insurance. Community mental health centers are few and far between and as a result there are waitlists a mile long to get help.

On top of the issues with the mental health system, getting social security benefits can take up to two years. Since I have no insurance that could mean waiting up to two years before I can qualify for Medicaid. Two years without medication. The mere thought of what could happen in those two years scares me to death.

It is difficult for others to understand what mental illness can feel like. It is completely understandable because it is very hard to imagine if you have never experienced a day with what I call the noise in my head. Imagine your worst day…the day you would never ever want to relive. For me, that horrible feeling is magnified by say 25, 50 or 100 (depending on the day). Most people’s response is to “shake it off,” “think positive thoughts,” or “I thought you were on medication.” And in someone who has a brain that is wired normally, those are helpful. Imagine if your spinal cord was crushed in an accident (yes, I know—but I’m trying to make a point, or at least give some understanding) and there was no way to completely regain of your legs. Your body is no longer wired to be able to control your legs. Would you be receptive to someone telling you it’s all in your head, that you can shake it off, or make your legs work by thinking positive thoughts? Yet every time I sink into a depression that’s what I get from well-meaning friends.

Any mental illness can make dating difficult, can make relationships complicated, and try the patience of loved ones. Polyamorous relationships while dealing with the daily stresses is even more complicated simply because the number of people involved increases. The process of building poly relationships can also trigger negative responses relating to self-esteem, insecurity, abandonment issues. Add that to an existing or newly diagnosed mental illness. Recipe for disaster.

Having a long term poly relationship for me requires someone with what can sometimes seem like extreme amounts of patience, love and compassion. This one fact alone makes me extremely appreciative of those who have stuck by me, some for months, and some for decades. That being said, like most, I would like to have a live in partner, a companion, someone to share my life with. The knowledge that the Universe will bring me that partner sometimes makes it easier to be single in this poly life but there are moments when I’m just not so sure.